How To Win With Toxic People
Would you like to know how to win with toxic people? The first step is to recognize their toxic behavior.
Toxic people try to undermine your self-esteem. They feel justified in attacking your self-value. Whatever you do to lift yourself up they will try to bring you back down.
If you attempt to identify yourself as someone admirable, they will express dissent and identify you as delusional. If you try to feel good about yourself they will say something aimed at making you feel bad about yourself.
They relate with you as “no big deal” and as “no one of any importance”. They treat you as one of no value. And they justify this attitude. They do not see how toxic their attitude is. They blame you for their negativity.
They do not look within to recognize that their motivation for putting you down is to avoid facing that deep down inside they feel low, inferior, inadequate and undeserving of self-respect. They do not look within. That’s what preserves their toxicity. They do not face themselves. They blame others for their own ugliness.
They are really angry at themselves but because they do not honestly examine themselves they project their self-hate upon you. They see you as deserving of their abuse because of their unconsciousness of their abusive attitude toward themselves.
Toxic people are not for you, so just leave them alone. If you have to contend with a toxic person, though, there are a number of things you can do to turn your experience into a positive one.
First, realize and hold the thought that the way the toxic person is relating to you is actually how that person relates to himself or herself. If the toxic person relates to you as unworthy of admiration, that means that he sees himself as unworthy of admiration. If the toxic person relates to you as unworthy of respect, approval or appreciation, that is how she relates to herself. Hold that thought. Tell yourself that this toxic person is unconsciously relating to you as if you were him or her.
Next, let the pain the toxic person triggers in you point your attention to what you want to be true. For instance, if the toxic person relates to you as being unwanted, unwelcomed, or as a non-contributor, realize that you want to feel wanted, welcomed and appreciated as a great contributor. So begin thinking of yourself that way.
When a toxic person relates to you as being of no value think of yourself as extremely valuable. When a toxic person relates to you as no one special, think of yourself as special. When a toxic person relates to you as less than admirable, think of yourself as totally admirable. Let the negative perspective of the toxic person inform your positive thoughts about yourself.
The most common mistake we make with a toxic person is to let that person live inside our head. Each time you think of that person hurting you with a negative attitude, you are really hurting yourself with that thought.
Avoid getting into a mental power-struggle with a toxic person, arguing in defense of your worth in your head.
Simply realize that the toxic person is unconsciously projecting the toxic attitude she holds toward herself onto you, and practice thinking about yourself the way you want to be: strong, healthy, competent, a contributor, good, brilliant, worthy of love, beautiful, heroic, divine.
How you think of yourself is creative. You become the person you consistently think of yourself as being. Toxic people cannot understand this, while they try to get you to think of yourself as a worthless human being.
We all must encounter toxic people from time to time and when it happens it is really a gift. You get to see who you don’t want to spend time with. Toxic people are inherently dishonest: they conceal what they feel about you until they think they have an opportunity to really hurt you with it. Then, when they think you are most vulnerable, they come out in the open and launch their attack.
When you are under attack, turn the other cheek by turning and walking away. Let toxic people go, not just on a physical level but on the mental level. When you think of someone thinking and feeling negatively about you, you are really just thinking and feeling negatively toward yourself.
All of our relationships are reflections of our relationship with ourselves. Toxic people arrive to show you your toxic patterns of relating with yourself. As you free yourself to a more loving and respectful relationship with yourself, toxic people will fade from your life.
So the way to win with toxic people is to let them point you toward developing a healthier relationship with yourself.
Bob Lancer presents motivational seminars and inspiring speaker engagements that recharge school teacher inspiration and faculty team building.
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Call 770-364-9580 or email to schedule a seminar or speaking event or to discuss your faculty team building and school staff motivation needs for your next teacher in-service day or day of appreciation for your hard working school faculty.